Overtone

I'm trying to get away from the guilt for a while so I took a long stroll by the beach. Honestly, it's quite hard trying to get rid of those thoughts... it's like I'm being torn into two.

I don't even have the guts to write it down yet... haha fuckin' coward.

I was on the look-out for Jason, I needed someone to talk to who doesn't even know much about me. I know it may seem biased since he can only see and know my side of the story... but it's I need that support, you know? I need someone's input on this and Jason is the only person I can think of... other than online friends... Foooooooooo

 He wasn't there anyway, I was just wasting my time on the beach... he must be busy doing an overtime shift or feeding his sister for all that mattered and is was pretty disappointing. Maybe he's getting back at me after days without meeting him again.

I quickly walked back home, and my brother was playing this new game he bought. A new old game. Some samurai thing... he says he's almost done after 50 hours I think. I heard the most ironic thing on the game too...

"This is my own path..." said the all-mighty American samurai... or something to that extent. It struck me as something silly. His own path now? Doesn't he know that he's just some character in a game whose actions are all written out by some fat-assed writer?

Here comes this fictional dude all written out to believe that he can make his own path, his own decisions... but the brutal reality of it all is that he's just some powerless little thing who can't even get out of a paper bag unless he's "written" for it.

I'm sorry... I'm ranting... it's just that it's all so ironic when you think about it. What if we're all of the same fate? You know... thinking that you've got the choice, that you've got the path... "fuck fate, fuck destiny, this is my life so deal with it" that type of thing, but you're all just pre-made to think that way when some divine being out there is really in control and you just have no fuckin' clue because that divine being is making you clue-less. It's depressing, but it's nice to think that my blunders aren't really all my fault now, it's something else's fault. I'm just unlucky enough to deal with it all...

Hah. My successes aren't mine if I think like that. I dunno... I'd rather suffer for my own mistakes and know that all the good things are the things that I choose to do. I picked. I get the consequences.

I make my own path... yeah. FUCK YEAH.

I just wish I had the wisdom to get myself out of this rut I've put myself in though...  

Overtone

I know I should've blogged about yesterday's party, but, let's just say that there are things that are quite difficult to deal with.

It's just that when I can't bring myself to accept something I have a lot of difficulty writing it down. It's as if blogging gives it a sense of closure, and I can't accept that at the moment.

Not everything that happened yesterday was quite guilt devouring... nah it was fun for the most part. Lee's Condom Man outfit was applauded by everyone, I on the other hand had difficulty explaining to them how my costume was supposed to be Tampon Girl. They all thought I was a bloody ghost with string hanging out of it's ass.

Knowing myself I have dealt with these kinds of situations before (I'm not pertaining to the costumes) but this is kind of different. I'm not usually the type to lie to myself or anything, or even deny the closure in the incidents. I don't know what makes this so different...

Maybe I need some time to think... so at the meanwhile I'll try to kill of my conscience by repeating this mantra:

Kill the conscience... destroy the guilt...

I wonder if this is how serial killers start off as. 

Overtone

Honestly, I don't know what to write in here anymore, there just hasn't been any interesting occurrences in my life lately. Even Sunday was a bit dull... what did I do on Sunday...? well I went to Murray with Lee.

We talked about stuff, he treated me to a cup of coffee while I told him about Jason (the random guy I met at the beach). His expression was cute too, I couldn't really tell if he was jealous or just acting nonchalant about the whole thing but he says he'd really like to meet the guy. I didn't meet Jason that Sunday night since I slept over at Lee's. I kinda forgot about him yesterday night as well... god I'm such a bitch. Hahaha

This particular day was a highlight since Eve is throwing a Halloween party this Friday night and everybody has to dress-up. We're not allowed to do the conventional zombies, witches, devils and all that... if you do dress up as 'em you get locked out. It's happened last year! Zach had to undress and get into the party with his boxers on his head and his shirt wrapped around his torso to hide his privates XD

Lee and I talked about our costumes for the event, and we wanted something that matched. Then he said he wanted to be condom man after reading this particular comic.

I couldn't think of anything that went with Condom man...  I can't be the Spermicide Lady. That would be too difficult to dress-up as!! Then he said that I should be Tampon Girl. I could just wear a white sheet and dip my head in read paint. Hahaha what an ass!

But yeah, alright, for the sake of going as a pair I agreed as Tampon Girl, but Lee will be making my outfit for me as long as I help Lee with his. He didn't want to be wrapped around in plastic like the one  in the comic... so we still have to brainstorm on how he'll end up looking like a real Condom Man...

Overtone

Hush hush now... I snuck into the computer lab just to get some net time. I know I should be doing my papers but I took a test that was a bit hard to resist...

Are You Evil?

Devil Incarnate

good	evil

Yep, you're definitely pure evil. Hell is holding a little room with your name on it. (Not that there's anything wrong with that. Lots of successful people have been evil: Donald Trump, Montgomery Burns, Martha Stewart, etc.) You find others' pain funny. So what? You're a sneaky backstabber, luring your prey close then striking like a vulture. But you're a cute, cuddly, appearances-can-be-deceiving kind of vulture. Often, the monster lurking inside you will put your evilness to work in the bedroom solely for your own amusement. But we all have our faults, right? So if you want to change your ways, try to think about how you would feel if someone did to you what you do to the rest of the world. Or don't. Whatever! Evil is great — just don't kill anyone with your mind.

not sexually evil	sexually evil

We're all slaves to our urges — some just more than others. Sure, you probably shake it a little to get your way, but you don't beat yourself up over it (unless you're into that, of course). But for your own sake, realize that getting hurt sexually generally stings more than being burnt with your clothes on. So even if your pillow pal has a mean set of love handles, please keep it to yourself. Just listen to that little voice in your head (no, not that one), and the evil sex thing will stop.

not passive aggressive	passive aggressive

Don't feel too bad about hiding your anger. At least not right now. When your spleen ruptures from internalized stress, then you should feel bad about it. You know, passive people act that way because they're ultimately sweet and don't want to upset anyone. While that may work for the short term, you'll end up looking like a real back-stabber when you, uh, actually stab someone in the back. Try dealing with your problems right away, and you probably won't have to renew your concealed weapons permit this year.

not black hearted	black hearted

Oh boy — you're one evil mother. Your heart is blacker than Darth Vader's helmet. For goodness' sake, next time think about that old lady's feelings before you push her down the escalator. And, really — you surely know as well as anyone that dropping kitties out the window to see if they really land on their feet is just an excuse to act evil. Yes, it's all part of being a free spirit who doesn't answer to anyone. Right or wrong, it's a fun way to live. But be careful — it all comes full-circle in the end.

~~~~

Hahaha Let's see if I can drag Lee with me to hell XD 

Overtone

I just got back from the beach (I made a new friend too), not any nude beaches, mind you... I needed to think about things, and to get away from home for a while. Dad was in one of his moods again, honestly, I don't know how to make him understand that I want to move out when I'm 18 (which is nearly 2 months from now).

He says that I can only move out when I'm married. Oh my god... how old-fashioned. He says that that's how things are in his home country. Oh really now? Can someone out there beg to to differ?

Anyway, it was cool out on the beach. I had my player with me, and I just lay down on the sand. I felt like I was in the movie with the wind blowing against my hair like that. There weren't any stars out in the sky. The moment was kinda ruined when sand blew into my eyes.

I had Snow Patrol's Run on my player when Lee called me on my cell. I didn't answer though, he'd understand. I needed some time alone with the world. We needed some time to understand each other.

Then some guy sat next to me, "Thinking?"

I shut off my player, "Uhm, excuse me?"

He asked me again if I was thinking, and I said, yeah.  Then he started to introduce himself. His name was Jason, that he was born on Dec 13 and that he was 20. I was really ready to run out of there, because he creeped me out at first. Come on, who wouldn't be weirded out when some guy sits next to you and starts talking?

 Something held me back. I didn't run, I didn't excuse myself to just get out of there. I sat up and I listened to his story. He talked about his highschool life, about the proms and the dances, and when he wanted to be a police officer. Right now he's working as some bag boy in some supermarket. I didn't ask.

 I told him a bit about my life, of how I'm currently a student, of the spoofs of my life, the friends I met.

The whole time we were talking I just studied his face. He had these really deep grey eyes, mouse brown hair, big ears, and a wide nose... he reminded me of a rabbit.

When I felt that the conversation was beginning to wane, I asked him "Why'd you start talking to me, Jason?"

"You know how the world works, Kanti, you see a person out there and you just pass by. 'Cuz that's how the bloody world works. I just realized, ya' know, seeing you here lying on the sand and I thought to myself, 'Fuck you, world I'm not going to abide by your fucking niceties any longer.' So I walked over and started to talk. See how this would contribute to our lives?"

heh... that wasn't how he said it, but that's basically the gist of it. Here comes this random guy, breaking the norms and you end up feeling why everyone isn't doing it as well. We need more people like this guy....

He said that he's always at the beach at night, I wonder why I haven't noticed him whenever I went out. Then he said he had to go and cook dinner for his baby sister, he thanked me for not running away or dismissing him and all that. I just nodded and asked if he'd be willing to meet again tomorrow. He just shrugged and went off.

I went home with more thoughts in my head, and somewhat praying that Jason doesn't go psycho on my ass and follow me home and kill everyone in our apartment...

But he's got me thinking, we all live such short lives and we live it all by sticking to what we think is normal. I should try that sometime, you know... just talk to some guy on the street and share stories. Share experiences. Such randomness would definitely add more spice to my life.